All right, it’s been a little while, so here are a few more of those annoying little quibbles…

• Spam emails. While I appreciate the internet’s desire to increase my length and/or girth, I am satisfied with my current dimensions and would like to go at least one month without having to unsubscribe to yet another website promising to maximise my potential and/or performance.
• Text speak in any other form of written communication is simply unacceptable. C u l8r m8 is hard enough to stomach at the best of times, so please don’t put it in an email or – God forbid – handwrite it in a note or letter.
• Small talk. What particularly annoys me are those people who pass by and say, how are you? because I’m never quite sure if this is an invitation to answer, or if they’re just trying to be polite. Should I be stopping to respond, or does the fact that they have carried on walking mean they don’t really give a shit about how I am? It seems to me that a simple hello performs the same role, and doesn’t leave me feeling ignored at the same time.
• Bruce Forsythe. Nice to see you, to see you…. no, not really. Not anymore, Brucie. It hasn’t been nice to see you since the heady days of The Generation Game back in the seventies and eighties, and even then, your silly ‘jokes’ were at least two generations out of date. You need to retire. Now. Before God does it for you.
• Women who wear really short skirts and then spend at least eighty percent of their time pulling said skirt towards their knees. How about you wear clothes that fit and that you are comfortable in? Does that sound like common sense to you? I keep hearing that the female is the smarter sex, but sometimes I have to wonder…*

*Opinions that appear to border on misogyny are included merely for their baseline comic value, and do not reflect those of the author.