Ladies, have you ever been browsing the aisles in your local Tesco, disappointed that your period wasn’t due for another couple of weeks? Well, here’s some advice, from a since deleted article in the UK edition of Marie Claire:

Parsley can help to soften the cervix and level out hormonal imbalances that could be delaying your cycle, helping your period come faster. If you’re struggling to find a dish based on parsley, don’t panic – the most effective forms are said to be parsley tea and parsley vaginal inserts.

Yes, you read that correctly – parsley vaginal inserts. Just stick it on up there, add a little seasoning to taste, and you should be flowing in no time at all. Fresh parsley, dried parsley. Organic parsley. The choices are plentiful. I would ask The Girlfriend© to try it out, but she always confuses parsley with coriander, and we don’t yet know what that does to the menstrual cycle.

“There are only a few things that should go in your vagina and vegetables generally aren’t one of them.”

Quote of the year, right there.