Tag Archives: hospital

Meeting the Nurse…

I have nasal polyps, which is what is stopping me from being able to breathe properly through my nose. It has also completely eliminated my sense of smell, and likely affected my ability to taste as well.

I went to the hospital today for what they called a pre-op assessment, which was basically the nurse asking me a whole lot of questions, and me saying no to almost all of them. I guess it’s them covering their ass while trying to protect mine.

She gave me a forest-worth of pamphlets to read before the operation and told me to make sure the underwear that I wore next week was cotton. Why? I have no idea, and I felt that it was too stupid a question to ask, so I didn’t. I don’t think I own any other kind, to be honest. Do people wear polyester pants?

I had a thumping headache and all the inane questions were not making it go away. She explained what it was I was getting done and I nodded like I knew what she was talking about. Ultimately, once they knock me out, they could tar and feather me and I won’t be able to do anything about it… but I have to trust them.

I’ve been advised that in all likelihood it will not be a permanent fix, and that I will have to get it done again at some point. It could last a year, or it may last for a decade – they just don’t know.

The only thing left to do, is to get it done.


So I didn’t want to, but I spent a large chunk of my Sunday in hospital. Usually when I pitch up there it’s to visit someone else, and to complain about the state of the parking lot… but today it was for me, and when I drove to A&E I parked flagrantly across the double yellow lines and silently dared someone to fine me.

I woke up this morning, and it quickly became apparent that I was struggling to breathe, and not in the usual asthma kinda way, which I’m used to and can usually manage. This was different. I could barely move without losing my breath. Still, me being me I was stubborn and put it off until after I had visited my grandma and realised the time for being a hero was over, and I had to get some attention.

When I arrived at the hospital the receptionist asked me a wealth of questions, which I had hoped he would avoid asking after the answer to the first one was I’m having difficulty breathing, but alas, he continued. Address, Phone number. Next of kin. Blah blah. Thanks for your consideration, sir.

I was in hospital for just over five hours, in which time I was given a battery of tests (why is a collection of tests known as a battery?), by a female doctor who, if she wasn’t making a second wage in the porn industry was certainly missing a great opportunity. She gave me a nebuliser, which sounds like an alien weapon but is far less cool, checked my blood pressure, and hooked me up to an ECG. I had assumed I would just get a course of steroids and be out of there in ten minutes, but to their credit, they were far more thorough than I had anticipated.

After all was said and done I was discharged with the previously mentioned ‘roids, and I felt a whole hell of a lot better as a result…

…and I didn’t get a parking ticket either.