America Unchained – Review…

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Dave Gorman is an underrated British talent. He’s a very funny guy, but he has never had the recognition that others in his line of work seem to get. I think it’s because he is not so much a jokesmith as he is a storyteller, and attention spans sometimes only extend to one-liners.

America Unchained is about Dave’s attempt (along with Stef, the girl holding the camera) to drive from the west coast of the United States to the east coast without giving any money to the large corporations – you know, the chains. It’s a task that doesn’t sound all that difficult, but when you start thinking about it you soon realise just how much of our world is run by big business.

Gorman buys a big and brash second-hand muscle car that guzzles copious amounts of petrol and (because it’s older than he is) is rapidly running out of miles on its clock. Can they make the trip successfully? Is it even possible these days? What is it like to sleep inside a dog? All these questions and more are answered…

Gorman infuses all his anecdotes with humour and heart, and although most of his stories are there to show the kind and generous side of Americans, there is no shortage of the crazy ones along the way either.

Skeleton Crew #13 – The Reaper’s Image…

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Word count – 2,600

The Reaper’s Image is an old King story about a man who visits a museum, with the intention of purchasing an antique mirror… only to be told when he arrives that an image of the Grim Reaper is seen by anyone who stares into it for any length of time.

This is a straightforward horror tale and it doesn’t do anything unexpected, although the writing is a little dry and unmemorable. Again, I will give him some rope as this was an early effort, so this is likely a confidence thing.

With the exception of the couple of poems, The Reaper’s Image is one of the shortest things in Skeleton Crew. It isn’t around for long enough to make a lasting impression, although even then, it mostly outstays its welcome.

Not Recommended ⇓

A Snooker Anecdote…

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I’m sitting here watching the first semi-final of the World Senior Snooker Championship, between Jimmy White and Stephen Hendry. They have both (visibly) aged, and they don’t do it like they used to, but it’s a fun reminder of the many battles these guys had during the nineties.

It’s also the 63rd birthday of my favourite snooker player of all – Steve Davis.

I met Steve once. It was early 2002 and I was at the cinema with my mate Andy watching the previews before The Royal Tenenbaums. I saw two guys walking towards us, and I turned to Andy to exclaim how much one of them looked like Steve Davis (he was here for the Scottish Open). Of course, he didn’t watch snooker, so he had no idea who I was talking about. But as he got closer I quickly realised it actually was him.

Before I could figure out what to do, Steve and the other guy (who I assumed was his manager) squeezed into our aisle and excused themselves so they could get past us. I quickly shot out my hand and said, “Hi Steve, I’m a big fan. How are you?” He graciously bundled the big tub of popcorn and super-sized Coke to one side and shook my hand…

After the movie, (in fact, as soon as the credits began) I dashed to the toilet so I could avoid a repeat of the awkward moment when I had met my idol two hours earlier. My intention was to stay there long enough for the screen to empty and I could save myself any further embarrassment, which was a fine idea, until Steve walked in to the bathroom and went to the urinal next to mine.

So there I am in a public toilet, standing next to a snooker legend I had looked up and respected for years… with my dick out.

I zipped up and went to wash my hands (yes, something I did even before Covid-19), looked in the mirror, and told myself not to say anything. Just be quiet. There’s nothing else to say – you’ve introduced yourself, and he shook your hand. What more do you want? Dry your hands and walk away. It was already weird before the bathroom, you certainly didn’t need to add any more fuel to that particular fire. And besides, you don’t talk to a guy while he’s at the urinal, everyone knows that!

Of course, instead of taking the sensible route I asked Steve if he had enjoyed the movie, and I immediately wanted to fall into the sink and slip down the drain. I’m not really sure what he said – I was out of there before my embarrassment bubbled to the surface.

So if you ever hear Steve Davis tell a story about the creepy guy he met in a toilet one day, that was me!

Anyway, happy birthday Steve!

Listening to Movies…

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I have been listening to podcasts regularly for quite a while – so much so that I don’t listen to music nearly as much as I used to – and now everyone else seems to have jumped on that particular bandwagon. But, you know, I like to think I was here on the ground floor.

I’ll listen in the car, in the shower, or maybe when I’m walking around Tesco (other supermarket chains are available) because it’s a more active experience than sticking Taylor Swift on shuffle.

I wanted to give a shout-out here to Now Playing. It’s a weekly movie podcast that I first discovered by accident when I had fallen down the Google well one day, and ever since then I’ve had it on my audio rotation.

Now Playing is hosted by three guys (sometimes there’s a girl) and it’s been going for over a decade. Each episode is at least an hour and often goes beyond two. Their primary focus is franchises, but they also manage to keep up with a lot of the new releases too.

They discuss the movies in great depth, breaking down the plot and the performances, usually with some detailed insights into the production along the way. Each person invariably comes at the movie from a different angle – with their own personal thoughts and biases – and it encourages some good conversation. At the end they each give it a thumbs up or down.

Occasionally, if I have not seen the movie for a particular episode, I’ll try to find it on one of the various subscription services we have and watch it first. They’re not always worth the effort, but it’s good to have a fresh opinion.

Once I found them I scrolled all the way back to where they began and started listening to their words chronologically. I’ve listened to about seven years worth of their content, but there’s still about four years for me to catch up on.

Now Playing. You’ll find it on your favourite podcast player. Failing that, you can find out more information here. If you’re a movie buff you won’t be disappointed.

Skeleton Crew #12 – Beachworld…

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13440

Word count – 6,300

Beachworld is a science fiction story about two men in the far future who land on another planet, only to find it is completely covered in sand. One of them is hypnotised by the allure of the landscape, while the other spends his time trying to get them out of there.

The best thing about this story is the references to The Beach Boys, scattered throughout, but beyond that I have no connection to the tale.

Of course, it’s no secret that sci-fi and I don’t get along very well. As such, I’m probably guilty of losing focus and concentration while reading this. There’s an element of horror to this story, but regardless, Beachworld doesn’t sit well with me. It’s not something I’ll be going back to.

Not Recommended ⇓

Money For Nothing…

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s-l640I do not actively collect coins, but over the years I have amassed quite a number of them from over thirty countries. I have picked them up from various places and people, and without even trying, I now have a couple of hundred coins, separated by country into their own plastic pockets.

Sure it’s nerdy, but I would never claim otherwise.

Most of the coins are fairly recent, but I have a lot that come from the nineteenth century, including a silver Crown from 1888 that – according to available resources – seems to be worth up to approximately £300 from a generous dealer…

… not that I have any intention of parting with it or any others I have that could pay the electric bill. I may well be out of a job soon, and I could be sitting on a veritable goldmine, but that’s a few steps down the line yet.

Skeleton Crew #11 – The Man Who Would Not Shake Hands…

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13440

Word Count – 7,500

The Man Who Would Not Shake Hands is a mysterious story about, well… exactly what the title suggests.

This tale intrigues from the start, but unfortunately it never lives up to the promise of the title. It does what it says on the tin – no doubt about that – but when you find out why he doesn’t shake hands, it’s not really all that interesting.

There’s a poker game at the heart of the story, which at least kept me plodding along until the final reveal, but there’s nothing else here of any note. As such, The Man Who Would Not Shake Hands is perhaps – and unfortunately – the poorest entry in the collection so far.

Not Recommended ⇓

The Next Chapter…

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After several months of being on furlough, it seems that Covid-19 may finally have added my job to the thousands of others across the world it has chewed up.

I’m disappointed, of course, but I won’t moan about it. There’s nothing I could have done to change things, and there are many others who have been dealt a far worse hand this year. Everything happens for a reason, as they say, so perhaps this is my chance to move onwards and upwards, and find a job that allows me to stay in bed later than 4am.

I’ll get something else, I’m sure, but the uncertainty of everything that is happening in the economy at the moment makes it a little frightening to be without that job security.

Things would perhaps pan out differently if I was single, and I only had to look after myself, but I have The Fiancée© to consider, and a house to maintain, so that is a responsibility I cannot forget or neglect.

Hopefully the world will settle down soon, and we can pick up the pieces of this broken year.

Skeleton Crew #10 – Word Processor of the Gods…

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13440

Word count – 7,000

Word Processor of the Gods is about a writer who happens upon a word processor, left to him after the death of his brother. He quickly discovers the machine has the ability to add and delete things from his world.

This story spends a long time setting everything up, and – although the background is relevant to the protagonist’s justification – it really doesn’t make the words more enjoyable. In that way it feels unbalanced.

Word Processor of the Gods is a great concept, and the writing itself is competent, but it’s not as good as I wanted it to be. After the initial set-up, it seems to reach a crescendo very quickly and then it just fizzles until the end, but thankfully, there is enough good stuff here to see it across the line.

Recommended ⇑

After the Storm…

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This morning I was awoken by the most almighty crash of thunder I have ever heard. It sounded like a bomb… or how I imagine a bomb would sound. The rain was coming down hard, and lightning was strobing the sky for what seemed like hours. The whole thing was adrenalising, not unlike how you may feel riding a rollercoaster.

It wasn’t just here either. There has been flooding all over the country. People have lost their homes and their belongings – some have lost their lives – yet, looking around now, it’s hard to see any of that.

It’s early evening just now, and it’s currently 23 degrees where I live. There is no wind to speak of. I’m sitting in my back garden, listening to the neighbours talk about the best way to barbecue a steak. The sky is clear, and the kind of blue you usually only see in paintings or cartoons. It’s one of the hottest days of the year.

Tomorrow’s forecast is for more rain.