Author Archives: Brian G Ross

Porn Stars and Blowjobs…

I don’t go out drinking very often, and I don’t drink all that much when I do. My days of getting myself tarted up and looking forward to what Saturday night brings (and potentially Sunday morning) are well in my past.

Today, I went out with a bunch of work colleagues for my first mixology class. Three cocktails, a couple of shots, and some finger food afterwards to soak up the booze.

It was a lot of fun, and I’m glad I did it, but because we started mid-afternoon I was quite merry by dinner time, and I was on the bus home with the sun warming my back.

I just don’t enjoy it much anymore. Nothing good ever comes from the consumption of alcohol. All you’re left with at the end of the night is a sore head and an empty wallet.

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I Sense a Theme Here…

In one month The Girlfriend© and I will be driving down south for a fun-filled four days in England. Hopefully the weather will be kind to us.

After we had narrowed down the list of parks and attractions from an initial collection of ten, the trip was all decided upon very quickly, and the rest just fell into place almost overnight. We’ll probably get to the other seven places on the list some day, but for now we’re taking in Drayton Manor, Alton Towers, and Chester Zoo – all places that I have never visited, and probably ones that should be on the bucket list of every British person who enjoys theme parks and animals behind bars.

I tried to find a way for us to do all this while also leaving her daughter at home, but there does not appear to be any conceivable way for us to do that. At approximately seven hours to reach our base, it’s a lengthy journey, so I’m just going to have to take ear plugs and a shitload of sleeping tablets instead.

Potted Retro Film Review: 50 First Dates (2004)

Starring: Adam Sandler, Drew Barrymore, Rob Schneider

717E8WX+wCL._SX425_What’s it all about?
Adam Sandler is Henry, a marine vet in Hawaii who loves the ladies. He meets Lucy (played by Drew Barrymore), and instantly takes a shine to her. He soon discovers that she was in a car accident the previous year, resulting in her inability to retain any new information, thus, forcing her to relive the same day over and over.

Prior to this outing, Sandler and Barrymore had worked together in The Wedding Singer, and they would do so after this in Blended, so there is obviously some chemistry between them.

50 First Dates is basically Groundhog Day as seen from a different perspective… and with a subject who doesn’t know it’s happening to them, as we watch Henry try to win Lucy’s heart in a different way every day.

Watching it with the kids…
This movie falls at about the same level you would expect from a rom-com. If anything, it’s quite mild, with only a hint of sexual suggestion to go along with the tame language. Nothing to worry about then.

Verdict…
The basic premise is a clever twist on the extremely formulaic rom-com genre, so it gets points for that, but the first half of the movie – when Henry is pursuing an oblivious Lucy – is a lot more enjoyable than once she begins to get a grasp on what has been happening.

Rob Schneider plays Henry’s best friend Ula, and in typical Rob Schneider fashion he drags this movie down. It’s a shame because 50 First Dates would be much better without him in it – with almost anyone else in his place. Unfotunately, that’s the movie we’re left with. It’s still fun, but this had potential for more.

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Fatal Extraction, Part I…

Before this month began, I had not seen a dentist for years… certainly more than I admitted to the girl with the drill standing in front of me. I was embarrassed. I know, it’s terrible, and it’s one hundred percent my own fault. I just let the appointments slide and got on with my life.

Last year I decided I was going to get myself sorted with a dentist, and get any problems I had, fixed… and here we are in June, and I have now began my journey on the road to oral recovery.

I was extremely nervous for my initial rendezvous – a feeling which was to some degree, almost entirely unfounded. Except for Extraction ’06, I had never really had a bad experience in the dentist’s chair, and apart from that, my teeth had always been in pretty good shape.

But this time I knew I had problems, and the dentist didn’t disappoint me. She said I needed two teeth taken out, both of which were fractured. One was the upper left wisdom tooth and the second was an upper right, about midway round. I knew both of the teeth she was talking about, and I had mentally prepared myself for the extractions she was briefing me on.

She told me she could try to save the second one, but she wasn’t confident it would work… so I just asked her to use her best judgement and do what had to be done. She could tell that I was a little agitated, and asked if I wanted to be knocked out for it, a question which received a resounding “yes please” from me.

The good news – relatively speaking – was that apart from those two fractures, my teeth were in fairly good condition, and were just in need of a thorough clean.

So I booked an appointment for the following week, and the seven day countdown until I let that woman near me with a pair of pliers… was on.

… to be continued…

What I’ve Done This Week #22…

Well, I’ve certainly not done much actual writing, but I knew that would be the case.

I sent off a batch of stories to various publications this week. It’s mostly unpublished work, but there were a few reprint opportunities in there too.

Every time I do so I feel positive about the outcome, although recent results don’t give me reason to be. I don’t know if the short fiction market has changed recently – I don’t think it has to any great degree – or if my standards are just higher these days.

Maybe my writing is just not up to par anymore, but even that distinct possibility is hard to accept because so much of what I’m sending off was written years ago, at a time when my stuff was being accepted on a fairly regular basis.

Or maybe I’ve just been unlucky.

Potted Film Review: Late Night (2019)

Starring: Emma Thompson, Mindy Kaling, John Lithgow

Late Night - PosterWhat’s it all about?
Katherine (Thompson) is a late night chat show host who discovers that her show is about to be pulled off the air due to falling ratings. Molly (Kaling) is the female comedy writer she hires to try to turn her sinking ship around… which would be fine, except Molly works at a chemical plant and has no experience with jokes. Molly is also an ethnic minority, just so we can tick that box as well.

Katherine is an unlikeable character, and just when she seems to be making amends for her shortcomings, a skeleton falls out of her closet, and she’s back to being that woman you wouldn’t really fancy as a friend. There’s a sentimental and heartfelt monologue at the end which is not as impressive as it thinks it is.

It’s good to see (fabricated as it is likely to be) some behind-the-scenes action from the production of a late night show. It shines a light on the difficulties of such a high-pressure environment and I left the movie respecting what these guys and gals do on a daily basis.

Watching it with the kids…
This is perfectly fine, with a few curse words scattered throughout, but if you can handle those there’s nothing else to worry about here.

Verdict…
Late Night is not a fall-about-the-floor comedy, and there are stretches where it plays more like a drama, but there are funny moments in here, and it never threatens to be a bad movie.

Emma Thompson (an actress I would never go out of my way to see) plays this role in her usual, cynical, Emma Thompson way. That’s fine, but just as detractors of ZZ Top’s music say that every track sounds the same, every Thompson performance is much like the last. Just don’t go in expecting her to do more than collect a paycheck.

Late Night is an entirely acceptable piece of fluff that you can watch on a weekend and forget about a few days later.

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What I’ve Done This Week #21…

Well, as predicted (albeit a little later than I had anticipated), my eighth and latest Jack and Patrick tale is done. A Rabbit, a Fairy, and a Fat Man in a Red Suit is 2,100 words and is about a few of those childhood tent poles that are so familiar in the western world.

It’s another fun conversation between those kids, and there’s still a lot of life left in their relationship. I have some other ideas for them, but I’ll put their next adventure on hold for a while.

I want to take a couple of days to get a few submissions out there. And when I say ‘a few’ I really mean ‘a shitload’, because editors are not going to publish my work if they don’t see it in their inbox.

And after that… Lord knows, I have a load of other stories to be getting on with.