People Are All Kinds of Dumb #12…

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So, is that a chainsaw in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Actually, yes. It’s a chainsaw.

I understand that many of us cannot afford to buy those things we need, but when you’re resorting to stuffing a chainsaw down your trousers, maybe you need to reevaluate things.

The fact that the guy managed to walk, let alone exit the store with the chainsaw still down his pants, probably says more about the staff and security’s ineptitude than it does about his prowess as a thief.

They guy is still at large, at the time of blogging, but they have some pretty clear footage of him, so he shouldn’t be too hard to find… especially if he still has that thing under his jacket.

Please Stop Remaking My Childhood…

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220px-fridaythe13th2009The release this week of Pet Sematary is just the latest example of the lack of creativity in Hollywood today. Admittedly, it’s been getting great reviews, and the original was an average movie at best, but I don’t think there were many people screaming for it to be revisited in the first place. Well, perhaps Stephen King was on board with it, but he’s certainly not averse to the odd retake anyway.

ghostbusters_2016_film_posterI guess, if we must see things a second time, the very least a filmmaker can do is polish up something that wasn’t very good in the first place. The object of the exercise should be to improve upon the source material. If it isn’t, why are you wasting everyone’s time?

Point-Break-2015-Poster-Advance-Style-buy-original-movie-posters-at-starstillsOf course, there are some examples where the revision is better than the first try (Scarface, The Thing, The Fly), but for every smile there’s a frown. Does anyone think Jude Law’s version of Alfie is superior to Michael Caine’s effort? Or that the Poltergeist from 2015 is greater than the classic 1982 movie it’s based on? Hell, I didn’t even know that was a thing until recently.

MV5BN2ZiMDMzYWItNDllZC00ZmRmLWI1YzktM2M5M2ZmZDg1OGNlXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyNDQ2MTMzODA@._V1_So, with all the remakes, reboots and reimaginings that have done the rounds over the last few years, here are ten properties (not exhaustive, by any means) that I never want to see redone, because I do not believe it is possible for them to be bettered:

  • Airplane!
  • Back to the Future
  • Die Hard
  • Duel
  • Dirty Harry
  • First Blood
  • The Goonies
  • It’s a Wonderful Life
  • Jaws
  • Rocky

Let me be clear: these are not perfect movies. Some of them I wouldn’t even consider to be amongst my favourites. But every one of them is an example of how sometimes, the total package is greater than the sum of a production’s parts.

These movies are quite simply, lightning in a bottle – a confluence of facets and factors that cannot be repeated. They each have an intangible quality that is impossible to quantify, or to replicate a generation later, no matter how talented or dedicated the team working on it may be.

Flying High…

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There’s a fairly good chance that I’ll be taking my first overseas holiday later this year, since a wild stag weekend in 2013 took me to the south of Spain, and that was a whole different kind of thing entirely.

The Girlfriend© and I have narrowed the destination down to, well… most anywhere in mainland Europe really. Except for the cold places, of course. We both fancy Italy, but because we have both been there before and we would like to go somewhere fresh, Croatia is the new favourite. But we’re a long way from confirmed, and we’ll probably look at half a dozen other countries before we finally settle on somewhere.

I don’t want to spend a week lying on the beach, getting drunk. That is not, and has never been, my idea of a good holiday. I like to see new things and experience a different culture: I can drink alcohol anytime. Holidays for me are about getting up early and leaving the hotel behind, until I’m tired and end up back there for a sleep after my daily adventures. Thankfully, The Girlfriend© is of the same opinion, so I won’t have to leave her at home.

Of course, I fancy going back to Orlando, but then, that is always my first choice. Maybe next year!

Potted Retro Film Review: Risky Business (1983)

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Starring: Tom Cruise, Rebecca De Mornay, Joe Pantoliano

What’s it all about?
Cruise plays Joel, a suburban teenager who is on the one hand trying to get into college, but on the other, is just your typically horny kid whose primary concern is to get laid by a prostitute when his parents are away. Cue Lana, played by a sweet, butter-wouldn’t-melt Rebecca De Mornay.

The story escalates from one night of no-strings sex, to a stolen glass egg, to eventually Joel using his parents’ home as a makeshift brothel for a whole fleet of Lana’s colleagues to make some money. There’s a Porsche, a disgruntled pimp (called Guido, of course), and the whole thing is underpinned by the blossoming romance between Joel and Lana.

There are no real surprises here. There are some fun scenes, and the dialogue is on point, but it feels nothing like the benchmark title it is often considered to be. Cruise is on good early form, before he became a megastar a couple of years after this; and De Mornay is, well… she looks good, at least.

Watching it with the kids…
There are a couple of sex scenes here that you’ll want to avoid, and some stylised full frontal female nudity, done in the way that only a film made in the eighties could truly pull off. There’s also some bad language throughout. All things considered, given the reputation this has for my generation, it’s really very tame.

Verdict…
It had been many years since I last saw Risky Business, before this recent viewing. Was it as good as I remembered? No. For a comedy it’s not all that funny, and as a coming-of-age piece it has very few dramatic moments. I never feel the chemistry between Cruise and De Mornay, and their burgeoning relationship is clumsy and awkward at best. But as an early example of what the eighties was pushing in the teen genre – and before the market was flooded with this kind of thing – it’s hard to deny its influence and raw energy.

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Lost and Found…

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I’m less than two weeks into my steroid course and things have improved dramatically in the nasal department. I would say I’m sniffing at around 80%, which is a lot more than where I thought I’d be at this point. If it keeps up at this rate I should be able to avoid going under the knife (or tube, or pincers, or whatever the hell it is that they use for that kind of thing – I don’t want to know), even if it does mean going through this twice-daily routine every so many months.

I knew I had lost my sense of smell – probably a short time after it happened – but it never struck me that regaining it would be such a monumental shift, or indeed make that much of a difference. Of the five primary senses, if you had to get rid of one, smell seemed like the most disposable. While I still think that is the case, it’s loss over the last couple of years has certainly made me appreciate it more.

Onwards…

What I’ve Done This Week #11…

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All right, this is going to be the last time that I write about starting or continuing yet another story… at least for a while. I am generally fairly comfortable spinning several plates at once – and I’m certainly happy to at least be writing something this year – but I’d like to get some stuff out of the way before I become overwhelmed. It’s been a while since I’ve ran, so let’s try walking first.

I have had this pseudo-stalker idea for a while – one of those things that I have allowed to percolate for months, or perhaps even years. I’ve never done anything with it. In fact, until this week I had never even written anything down for it. It was just all rattling around in my head. And then as Mother’s Day approached, I was looking for an idea to hit, and I found myself thinking about this one again.

It’s tentatively titled, Flowers for Mother, and is currently being told in second person – a viewpoint I don’t have too much experienced with, but one that feels correct and appropriate for the story I’m trying to tell. I haven’t written much of it, and I think the tone still needs to be massaged a little to get the most out of the situation, but I’m getting there, and when I do there’s going to be a good story at the end of it.

People Are All Kinds of Dumb #11…

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Sometimes having an impromptu blonde moment actually works in your favour, as it did for this Australian guy last week, who forgot he had already bought a lottery ticket, and then bought a second one, using the same numbers.

It turned out that they were the lucky digits that week, and there were three winning tickets for the seventy million dollar jackpot. So instead of receiving just one third of the prizemoney, he walked away with over $46 million instead.

He had been playing the same numbers for over thirty years, and then – like the proverbial bus – two came along at once.

Dumb luck indeed.

Getting Back to My Senses…

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Diesel has quite a strong smell, but yesterday was the first time I was able to pick up the odour for a long time. I was at the garage and spilled some on my hand, and was probably more elated to recognise the toxic stink of escaped fuel than any person really should be.

It was the first of several such memories I had yesterday. I noticed the coffee at work (and suddenly realised why most people think it’s shit); the Cajun tuna sandwich I had for lunch (yes, that’s a thing); and then the air freshener in my car on the way home.

My dinner tasted much better than expected as well. I know smell and taste are connected – and one is always better with the other – but I did not think there would be such a marked difference.

The doctor told me it’s a slow process, but hopefully this is only the beginning of my recovery. My steroid course takes me into May, and with a little luck I’ll be back to full capacity by then.

Potted Film Review: Tag (2018)

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Starring: Ed Helms, Jon Hamm, Jake Johnson, Hannibal Burgess, Jeremy Renner.

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What’s it all about?
If you weren’t told at the beginning of this ludicrous comedy that Tag was based on a true story, you’d never guess… because it’s too damn silly to be real. Even when the credits roll, and we see snippets of the real-life friendship that inspired this lunacy, it’s still pretty hard to believe.

The story follows a group of five men who have played tag for the entire month of March since they were young enough for that not to be considered childish. The hook, is that Jerry (Jeremy Renner) is a tag legend, and has never been caught in over thirty years of playing, and with the threat of Jerry’s retirement from their annual event hanging over their heads, the other four decide to give it one final push to make him it. Hijinks and hilarity ensues.

Everybody here is very comfortable in their roles, and that’s because nobody is too far outside their wheelhouse. Ed Helms is basically a more restrained version of his character from The Hangover franchise, and Jake Johnson is a cut and paste job from his role as Nick in quirky sitcom, New Girl, but although familiarity is sometimes criticised as laziness or paint-by-numbers, it’s quickly evident that this is simply good casting.

Watching it with the kids…
Oddly, for this sub-genre of comedy, Tag doesn’t try to be overly offensive or shocking, which is a welcome change. Sure, it’s peppered with strong language, but there is no violence beyond the slapstick, and no sex or nudity at all, so no curling up behind the sofa cushions is required.

Verdict…
Tag is a fun movie that knows it is based on a daft premise. It’s not the cleverest movie you’ll ever see, but it does boast some inventive scenes as the guys try to outsmart Jerry and back him into a corner. Everyone on screen seems to be enjoying themselves, even when the script threatens to become a little too sentimental towards the end, but I had a good time all the way through.

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What I’ve Done This Week #10…

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It’s been a while since I submitted anything to a contest, perhaps because traditionally I have not excelled in that area. The House on Memory Lane placed first in a horror flash contest in 2011 for $100, and I was the runner-up with Contractions and Reactions in 2012 to the tune of $250, but that’s about it.

So this week I have sent off a few to be judged by others, with some pieces that have not seen the light of day for a long time. I sent off one flash story – Black & White City – that I have not emailed into the wild for eleven years, which may be the longest interval between submissions I’ve ever had.

Fingers crossed that I get back on that wagon soon.